Stop posting Olympic results on Facebook or Twitter before they are broadcast.  Just stop it. 

Unless you are a sports reporter working in London and posting in a professional capacity, knock it off. 

SPOILER ALERT!!!: You aren’t impressing anyone.

No one is reading your Tweet that Ryan Lochte failed to medal in the 200 freestyle and thinking, “Holy moly!  That dude…who is really better friends with my brother, but we all hung out together once in awhile…really is on top of things!”

No one is reading your Facebook status about Jordyn Wieber failing to qualify for the individual all-around gymnastics finals and thinking to themselves, “Gee whiz!  Where WOULD I be without that chick…who I can’t remember if I went to college or high school with, and she’s gotten married and changed her last name since then, and gained a little weight and changed her hairstyle, so now I really can’t place her…letting me know?”

“Thank God the guy that Brian used to hang out with at Salty Dog was able to let him know about my devastation before NBC aired it.”

No one is watching your TOUT and…well, no one is watching your TOUT.  Or anyone’s TOUTs for that matter.

Yes, NBC is being a dick by holding their coverage of events until prime time.  But they paid a shitload of money to be a dick.  If I want to wait and watch their dickish broadcast, then let me have that.  Don’t add to the dickishness.

Must See TV…if some asshole on Facebook hasn’t already ruined it for you.

All you are proving is that you are one of the 2 billion people in the world with internet access and that you are functionally literate.  You can type in a search engine, read, and then type what you read?  Here’s a slice of cheesecake, you fucking genius.

Here’s to you, omnipotent one.

If you were the type of kid that snuck into your parent’s room to see your Christmas presents before Christmas morning, great.  I wasn’t.  I enjoy the experience.  So, don’t open my presents in front of me.

And I get wanting to cheer for the US and publicly proclaim victory.  That’s part of the fun of the Olympic experience.  But can’t you hold off until everyone has a chance to watch before taking to your computer or cell phone to herald it?

When did everyone become a reporter?

The Olympics has been the most recent, and most annoying instance of this phenomenon.  But it’s been a severely irksome trend for the last several years.

I got a college degree in journalism and worked in TV news for 7 years, and I’ve never raced to Tweet or Facebook from my personal accounts when a famous person dies or a national disaster takes place.  If I want to know that information, I can go watch the news or read a news site online.  Hell, I follow and subscribe to news agencies and personalities to get the news from them. 

I don’t need “news” reports from a high school friend whose previous post was an Instagram pic of the ocean between her feet with a glass of wine and the caption, “Life is a beach!”  I think I’ll be okay without the breaking news update from a college buddy whose last post was sharing that they listened to Jurassic 5 on Spotify.  I’ll be just fine if I don’t get my news from an ex-girlfriend’s friend whose last post is a shot of a shirtless Tim Tebow with the note, “Yummy!  Timmy floats my Te-boat!” 

If you liked this pic, you’re going to love my post about beach volleyball results.

It’s called SOCIAL media.  When is the last time that you went to a social gathering, stood in a circle, and everyone just stated random headlines? 

Me: Hey man, how’s it going?
Guy: Aurora shooting suspect James Holmes has been charged with 24 counts of murder and 116 counts of attempted murder.
Me: Oh, cool.  Yeah.  Thanks for volunteering that tidbit of news to me.  I mean, I hadn’t checked out any news sites yet, but it really wasn’t going to impact my life whatsoever if I just waited and found out tomorrow, or never, honestly.  Anyway, how’ve you been?
Guy: 17-year-old Missy Franklin has won the gold in the 100-meter backstroke.
Me: Um, okay.  Well, I WAS going to watch that when it’s televised tonight, so, you know, thanks for ruining that viewing experience for me.  But, hey, great job on having the internet.  There are only 2 billion people in the world who could have accessed that information.  So, um, kudos to you, buddy.  Okay, so have you seen any good movies lately?
Guy: No, but I read an early leaked online report of how The Dark Knight Rises ends so that I could tell people BEFORE THEY EVEN GOT A CHANCE TO SEE IT IN THE THEATERS!  So, to prove just how good I am at knowing things, I’ll tell you.  You see at the end of The Dark Knight Rises…
(Uppercut.  Johnny Cage dick punch.  Rob Roy fatal body chop.)

“He REALLY didn’t want to know the ending of The Dark Knight Rises.”

I can’t wait until Romney picks his running mate.  My Facebook and Twitter newsfeeds are going to be unbearable.  I’m not Facebook friends with Mitt, so I won’t read it from him.  And I’m not POSITIVE, but I doubt he’s going to pick one of my improv friends as his running mate, so chances are that I won’t read it posted by his VP candidate.

No, guy that went to the same parties as I did during college, you are not my number one source for all things news.  In fact, I have a ton of friends in the news business, and I really only want to see news-related updates from them if it’s from their professional accounts. 

If you have an interesting opinion on the news story that you’re posting about, a personal anecdote tied to it, or want to share your love for a celebrity that died…by all means, go for it.  That’s interesting to read.  Usually.  But don’t just post a headline like your social media circle depends on you to keep them informed.

There are people paid to do that.  They’re called journalists.

But for the love of God and America, knock it off with the Olympic results posts.  If it’s really important for you to prove that you’re paying attention in real time, simply post “I know what happens in the women’s gymnastic team finals!” 

I’ll even “Like” your status if it makes you feel better.

Beyond doing that, however, just shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself.