My dear friend, Matthew Daughtry, asked for content and when there is a request for content, who am I to say, “Well, I just ate enough Baked Lays to make their healthy claims null and void…because I have. What’s a serving size? Seriously? Well, shit. Eating baked chicken only compounded my already sad meal.”
I think we have all said those exact words at some point or another. If you haven’t, then YOU’RE NOT LIVING!
So, in honor of Matt’s traveling and the fact that there just isn’t enough advice available on the internet, here are my tips for handling nights in a hotel.
First of all, drink. Just drink. What situation have you ever been in that wasn’t improved by drinking? Job interview? Check. Do you REALLY want to work for some stuffed-shirt who doesn’t understand how important a fifth of whiskey is to consume before most school children have finished reciting the Pledge of Allegiance? (Wait, they don’t do that anymore? What the hell is wrong with ‘merica?!) Heavy machinery? “Don’t operate if you’ve been drinking”, is just a way to let “The Man” take fun out of an otherwise menial task. Oh I’m sorry, did you want this construction site to be a Puritan revival? I didn’t think so. And that’s why my flask WAS full of gin and now is not. Teaching kindergarteners? Try doing that sober. My God, they are the neediest, most dependent bastards ever. If I have to teach these snotty little kids the alphabet, then I’m going to need some extra help from B&J, G&T, and/or XXX. (The last one only applies if you have a jug handle of moonshine in a cartoon.)
So, my first bit of advice is to drink. Drinking allows adventures to happen. Haven’t spent 5 hours watching videos on YouTube of sports bloopers and finding them funny whereas you’d find them boring whilst sober? Try drinking. Never really understood where Arnold Schwarzenegger’s level of drive was born? Then watch this:
Okay, so I understand that drinking when traveling may not be the best idea. Chances are that you have to wake up early for work…hence the reason that you’re traveling. So here are some other ideas for those times when you just look around and wonder if anyone died in that hotel room:
1) Someone Died In That Hotel Room - Who was it? How did it happen? I mean, you ARE in a hotel room. Someone died there. If they didn’t die THERE, then someone died AFTER staying there. Who were they? What were their hobbies? How did they entertain themselves while wondering what to do in a hotel room? Create a character. Then draw them. Give them a name. After that, imagine a family for them…next thing you know, the alarm is going off, you feel weird about how you fell asleep, but hey, that’s one more night down in a hotel room.
2) Walk Around The Hotel - Nothing makes people more uncomfortable than a man in his 20’s to 40’s just lurking around a hotel room at late hours, looking at things. Thankfully, nothing feels as awful or creepy as being a man in his 20’s to 40’s walking around a hotel pretending to look at things, care about plaques, and approaching the front desk to ask if there’s anything going on in that particular area late at night. For every human that seems legitimately afraid that you’re going to attack them, treat yourself to a snack at the vending machine.
3) Lay The Wrong Way In The Bed - Do it. I dare you. Time yourself. It won’t be long before you just feel weird and establish the normal laying position. We have been trained. Don’t forget it. “The Man” wants you to sleep a certain way. Metaphorically give him the finger and lay diagonally, face-down, and with absolutely no intention to sleep.
4) Fast Food - This one is real. You’re on vacation. Why obey a diet? So many teen-focused movies have talked about “different area codes” and how you can cheat on your spouse or significant other. Why limit it to that? Scour the area and buy one REALLY shitty item from as many menus as you can. When you eat all of them while laying in your boxers watching Collateral starring Jamie Foxx and Tom Cruse, which has finally made its way to HBO, you, sir or madam, are the winner.
5) Call Random Rooms - There are usually just three digits separating you from someone randomly staying in the same hotel. One of them must be a decent conversationalist. Start the conversation with, “I know who you are, and where you are right now, and I plan to make sure that you never wake up.” It’s funny. They won’t sleep. But you will.
6) Eat Something That Isn’t “Edible” - The maids will assume you stole that lamp, but joke’s on her…you ate it. Buy a first aid kit, or only shit near a hospital for 24 hours.
7) What Am I Not Watching? - Hotels boast having every channel on cable (and usually HBO). Watch all of the things that humans stopped watching 10 years ago. Oh, a re-run of “Mad About You”? Why not learn how far comedy has come since Paul Reiser was considered relevant. Documentaries on PBS usually make you smarter, and also allow you to realize how many countries, people, and events throughout history that you never knew existed really mean absolutely nothing in the context of your life. It’s funny. Those things are real, but at the same time, completely worthless.
8) Fart - Do it. Do it a bunch. Even if you try to do it but don’t have to and crap a little, who is there to judge you? God? No, he’s been doing that for years.
9) Call Someone And Lie To Them - You’re in a hotel. Rules don’t apply. Scroll blindly through your cell phone contacts and pick a random person. Then, call them and begin with, “Hey man (or woman), I know we haven’t talked much recently, but I really have to get something off my chest…” Then, claim that you saw them do something truly awful while drunk. Or, if you have the resolve to do so, claim that you died and this is a call beyond the grave. Tell them that you know that they have done wrong recently and they only have a short time to atone for their sins before they die and meet the awful fate that you have. You think Jacob Marley was really dead and haunting Scrooge? Nope, just bored in a hotel.
10) Claim It - Call the front desk and when they answer say, “I’ve thought it over, and I’LL TAKE IT!” When they answer in a confused fashion, just keep going. Start saying things like, “I never thought I’d be a hotel room owner, but you helped make this dream possible!” And, “I wasn’t sold on the place at first, but my goodness, you only live once, so I’m staying!” Then, hang up the phone saying that you’ll be by in the morning to draw up the papers and make it official. You will make some lowly front desk clerk’s life a living hell for a bit, but you’ll sleep sound as a rock sinking in quicksand.
And there you have it. If you stuck around to read all of this, then I’ve already hampered you from executing any of these tips successfully. But, if you found one you like, then I hope you are happy with your choice and that your traveling is better for it.
Oh, and masturbate. That’s what hotels are for.